I'm so sick.

All the worrying and the depression has caught up with me and messed around w/ my tummy. I have rings under my eyes and I had my first real meal in 3 days. My brain is numb. I dont know how much more of this I can take. My insides feel like their burning and I have a anuseating sensation running through me.

Dan is bitching at me that he will have to stay in his house for the rest of his life. He cryed on the phone. I have only seen and heard two men break down and cry, louis and now, Dan. I got this horrible sinking sensation in my stomic and the sound. It was part love and part hate. He kept saying its me and that he'd never do something like that, I've heard that so many times from so many men. Who can I beleive now?

I want to rip Patty's head off and at the same time I want to strangle Dan and hide in his arms. I feel pity and love for him, but I feel spite and rage tward him at the same time. My entire body is torn in two. I just want to sleep.

I dont want to break this off with him. But I do. I want to get rid of the stress and the depression, but I hate to see him go. I want him to die, but I want to take comfort in his arms. I can't eat without feeling an emense sickness. What am I going to do?

Why is the world skrewed up so much?

Like its bad enough I got college and I-con stuff to worry about, I find out Dan's cheating on me, with his x gf. I dont understand it, why didnt he just tell me he didn't want me? Why did he always say he hated her? Why did he keep lieing to me? Its like watching some one vomit: at first they look fine and then they start looking funny and in the end, you have a whole mess to clean up.

The guys went to talk to him to see whats really going on. I know for a fact he's lieing to them. If he can lie to me, if he can lie to patty, he can lie to any one. Lucky Im too chicken to try and commit suicide or this entry would prob not be here right now.

I wish I knew what I could of done to stop this. I should of learned from all my other past bf's. Im such an airhead. Christ its not like Im pretty enough to get another guy. Any other ones I know are either major stoners or show no interest in me. I guess I'm just destined not to have a bf.

Some of you may know about Big Apple Anime fest.
It's one of New York City's only anime conventions. It's been held in the Marriot Marquis for 2 years. And now, at its young age, it is in danger of becomeing a thing of the past.

One of the major sponsors supporting The big apple anime fest has dropped and left this con searching for help. As a loyal baaf con goer, I'm dedicated on trying to save this con and get others to help.

I've set up a guest book for people to sign in support of saveing this con. If we get enough people, we can send the list to major corperations like MTV to see if they'll support our cause. I know it is a shot in the dark, but there is power in numbers.

Please help save The Big Apple Animefest.
The link to the main page is located at: http://dragonangeln6.tripod.com/baaf.html

Im down to the last hours of my freedom.

Tommorow I am thrust unwillingly back into the real world. Im basically getting all my home work finished and mopeing about the fact I have to deal with all the stupidity attatched to my regualr school.

Im not sure if I want to go to Alfred ne more. Seeing that Dan might not even be going back to Oneonta (long story) I have my options open once more. Thing is should I even bother? He's just going to take semesters at Nassau and switch back to Oneonta (can't blame him, it is one of the best schools for a teaching degree). I was thinking of looking for better teaching schools for him on the island, but I doubt he'll be into that. I know Stonybrook would be good for his bio teaching degree but I know he has his heart set on Oneonta.

My DDR pad still hasn't come! I am forced to go down to Nathan's now and get my fix (and my exercise) since Brian's pad died (and we ripped it apart...literally). I am guessing it'll probably be here on the 7th (the max day for receiving the package). If it doesn't get here by then, some one is getting their e-mail box flooded (and a bad report on e-bay).

Started woring on my lulu cos for I-con. I got 1 hair stick done (wooo!). So far I think this whole thing might go smoother then I thought it would *knocks on wood*. The only thing I'm worried about is that the nail polish Im useing to paint the sculpty wont break and rub off and that the hair sticks themselfs wont break. I have a feeling I'll be toteing around crazy glue to another con.

As for the guys and the last post, I kinda hinted to them about how upset I was. I mentioned to them that they are my only friends and that their basically the only people I talk to on a regular basis. I hope I got through to them.

I best be off. I must get all my last min hw done and finish my orange tea.
Lastly, for ne of you who have ever (or still) play D&D, check out the link below. If you have never played D&D before....join ussssssss!!xD

http://www.cybermoonstudios.com/8bitDandD.html