I guess I learned a lesson about blogging....
If your really pissed off and really confused, dont write a sarcastic note to all your friends and expect it to be taken lightly. I guess I'm really sorry now. Of course it took me a punch in the face and a shove back into reality to get me to relise all the shit I've done. I've hurt myself, I've hurt my friends, and I hurt dan....I hurt him very bad.
After my entire ordeal with Don, the crying and the threatining of my own suicide, I went home and cryed and reflected. Don loved his girl friend...who did I love though? I thought. I milled every thing over in my mind. All the lies I told to get people to leave me alone, all the people I should of listened to instead of the people who didnt count, the past voices I should of locked away. I counted all the times I thought about dan, all the times I shoved his memory away trying to adapt to Don. I realised I had made I terible mistake. I had lied to myself about who I wanted, I lied to Don about what was going through my mind, I lied to my friends who have lost faith in me, and I lied to Dan about my feelings for him. I didn't want to go back to him though. "I don't deserve him" I kept telling myself. I talked to shorty he told me to forget about him and move on. I talked to matt and he said to move on as well. I couldn't move on though. I wanted him back, I wanted every thing back. I wanted all my friends back. I wanted to get out of this shell I had built around myself.
So here I am. I talked to him after the conflicting voices in my heart and my brain came to an agreement. I groveled, I apologised for every thing. I now know how it felt. How he felt that day in May when he called sobbing after Patty and I had stormed out of the house, after I slapped him across the face. I just hope he has the same faith in me as I did and still do in him and I don't give a flying fuck what any one says, I'm going to make this relationship last. I want to start off clean, I want to have an actual date instead of an estimated one. I want this to be, and I'll do any thing, ANY THING in my power, even giving up my education at Alfred school of ceramics to accomplish it and I will slit my wrist and write it in my blood if any one dares to say other wise.
