Been thinking about my future lately...some times I wish i never had a brain.
I had this re-occuring dream. I saw louis sitting in a recliner in a wife beater, overweight, watching the game. Then I saw me. i was stung out, tired. I was trying to get a hold of three children that looked louis to all get t bed. I showed signs of mental stress. This vision haunts me worse than any boogie man. I even talked to louis about it, he said thats probably whats going to happen...
I keep running me and Lous relationsip over and over in my head. I counted all the times we've ever had a squabble (quite a few actually)and relised most of the stuff we squabbled about was meaningless stupid shit. Bu then i ran over the amount of imes we ever had a serious heartwarming moment and it was drastically fewer than how many fights we've had. The strongest things we've ever had in common was magic the gathering, and the fact we had the same group of friends. He's been angry at me a lot more times I've been angry at him. I've stressed him out and I've kept him from working as hard as he's capable of.
I do love him, but the more I think about it the more I see its just for security. I'm afraid of re-living my past experiences wtih boyfriends. I want some one to love and to keep me safe. I had just gotten over Tom useign me.This made my need for security stronger than ever when I started going out with louis. As much as I regret saying this, I think thats the only reson I went out with him. He is a great guy, undoubtedly, but then I start going back to my ideal future and see that an obese lump and children were not what I intended.
My mom is no help either. Every time he'd smell bad or make a stupid comment. She'd go balistic on me. I know she wants the best for me and doesnt want me to make a bad move in my relationships, but screaming and giving your daughter ulcers for worryign her ass off is not a good way to deal with the subject.
If the nagging wasn't bad enough, she keeps going on her past experiences where she dumped her fiance for my father. Dumping a crazed drug attick is different than dumping some one a little more down to earth. My dad from the beggining has told me to have multiple bf's. This is a good idea, if only my morals didnt get in the way. I keep thinking abotu how I was heart broken when I found out one of my bf's had a gf on the side. I was crushed, not just because I fell in love with him, but because jelousy had overran me and I kept running over in my mind the fact that he'd take some one over me.
I've thought about dumping him. But what do I do after him? No one really wants to go out with me. Most of the people i've talked to would want o thave sex with me a couple of times but would never want a meaning full relationship. Also every time I think about dumping him I'm baught back to how I was dumped and how I went into exile every time it happened...and how it effected my view on guys. It pains me to think about putting him through that, but I would be so much happier...right?
I wish I could just dissapear and run somewhere else and leave this all behind. Or maybe snap my fingers and make things better. I've been getting tummy problems from stresing about this. I wish I wasnt so confused.
