*sigh*

I've been thinking alot about school, the future, just life in general. I remembered the whole reason why I applied here. First was because I wanted to get as far away from Dan that I could, second was because of the huge sholarship that was promised me. Now that I'm back with Dan and the scholarship has dissapeared I just feel dissapointed. I feel bad. I don't want to be here, I never really wanted to be here but my parents are paying for me. Crista and Ryan live at home and that's a big enough strain on their wallets. I should have gone with Pratt like I originally wanted too. I know because of my grades I need to make up credits so I can transfer, possibly go to Nassau for a half a year if I need to make up more. I knew this would happen in the begining. I'm just glad I have the ability to change. I just wish I knew it would be easier.

I feel so fustrated in general. I wish I knew more people that would be able to help me and advise me on how to go about being an artist. I always relied on my mothers word because she was the one telling me what to do. Now I relise it's just the opposite. Some times I envy people who are lucky to have mentors or parents in their trade. I wish I was more sure about what to do or where to go.

Sometimes I'm afraid on how I'm going about things. Even more is I'm afraid of making my parents upset. All they've ever wanted from me is sucess. I've let them down alot of times because of my destructive behaviour. I just hope I can find a place that I can be happy in. I want to know that I am in the right place. I want to make my family happy and let them know that I'm not a failure. I hope I can be sucessfull.